There are times when a spliff leaves you feeling great: when, for example, you're relaxed at home, listening to the psychedelic strumming of Jimi Hendrix, or the pleasant melodies of Toots and the Maytals. But there are other situations in which rolling a joint can trigger an avalanche of tricky, thorny and highly stressful circumstances you'll have to deal with. Smoking a doobie before getting together with your in-laws, or on a first date; taking a few puffs before boarding a flight on that famous low cost carrier that we all fear; or in a reggaeton nightclub, can turn a cannabis experience into a truly tragic trip.
Meeting your in-laws: stop the smoking
When it comes time to meet your in-laws you may have a knot in your stomach and think: I ought to smoke a bit of hashish to ease the tension! Big mistake, my toking friend: your girlfriend's parents probably have their radar activated, and a sixth sense will detect what is going on as soon as you show up "a bit too comfortable"–something that will likely get you an interrogation worthy of a Japanese prison camp and a good "father to daughter" talk to your girlfriend.
As if they had x-ray vision: there will be no way to conceal that you're stoned.
The strange case of the inescapable sofa: don't let those fluffy cushions envelop you
There is a trend towards a variety of sofas, armchairs and lounge chairs that have the surprisingly ability to retain their occupants for days, weeks–and even years, in some cases. They seem like normal chairs, but are anything but. To keep you from falling into one of these deadly traps of velvet, we recommend that you put away your grinder and be on your guard. Keep the use of cannabis to a minimum if you're anywhere near one of these subtle foam and fabric hazards.
The movie Pineapple Express already alerted us to this problem. In the picture one can observe how one of the actors has already fallen completely under the sofa's spell, while the other begins to feel its seductive pull.
Your first date: love is not blind
They say that true love is blind, but there's nothing like a good pot high to teach you that this is not true. If you roll a joint in a high-risk scenario like this one, you might start to look rather dazed and confused. God forbid, but with these symptoms one could get caught in the dreaded paranoia/error loop, precipitating a definitive disaster in a situation like this.
Put away the pot and lock it up: You've got to be at your best in order to succeed!
Before catching a Ryanair flight: Keep a clear head before touchdown!
If you think that a joint is going to help you deal with the trying ordeal of travelling on one of the Irish airline's planes, think twice. The mix of weed with the swarm of airframe noises will probably make you spend the whole trip clutching the claustrophobic space into which you have been squeezed, praying to Virgin Marie to save you from what will seem like some kind of convoluted trap.
If you mix marijuana and Ryanair you might be convinced that you're staring death in the face.
Christmas dinners: Why are your eyes so red, sweetie?
This is the typical question your grandmother or a distant aunt–with a conception of cannabis from the Middle Ages–asks after passing you the pot of soup. This will be followed by an awkward silence at the table as all eyes rest on you and your heart begins to race. Highly inadvisable: some people still harbour medieval ideas about marijuana, and one of them always manages to infiltrate family dinners. To maintain harmony during this very special season you had better keep the buds under lock and key, prior to these kinds of hazardous encounters.
You must be on your guard: Christmas dinners are covert wars.
Entering the supermarket labyrinth: you'll return home with hundreds of unexpected things
Going to the supermarket after having smoked some grass is tantamount to suffering gastronomic space-time confusion and dizzying disorientation, as if you were in a veritable labyrinth. In these situations one always forgets to buy the essentials and ends up with all kinds of strange and superfluous foods instead. Of course, part of the problem is their Machiavellian combination of blinding lights and maze-like corridors, which combine to waylay cannabis consumers.
The supermarket is a hostile place for stoners. Thirst for sugar will spur them to fill their fridge with all sorts of sweets and junk food.
The reggaeton nightclub: watch your step if you want to get out alive
It is common knowledge that reggaeton clubs are camouflaged portals of hell. So, when you head into one you need to be in a state of extreme concentration. If you smoke some marijuana before delving into one of these raucous passageways into Hades, your mind is likely to be short-circuited by their combination of misogynistic noises, spastic movements, and the horrible heat always found in these venues, due in large measure to the lava bubbling up from the underworld, filtered through the ventilation system.
Reggaeton is very bad for your health. Be aware, and face it with a clear head.
If you start to see nice little green dwarves: invite them for one last joint and ask them to leave
Should you begin to see weird things, such as strange green dwarves flitting through your room, or small dragons when you take a shower, stop taking hard drugs immediately, and lay off the THC too. At least until those curious companions stop wandering through your head.
If you realize that you've begun to really start tripping, take a break.